


Nightmares

by InsaneMagician



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Falling episode 16, Post 1x16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 05:52:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6226468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneMagician/pseuds/InsaneMagician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After falling from grace, I learn that the worst part isn't failing everyone, but learning that the secrets I hold from myself can be exposed in such a raw way and the consequences are even worse than nightmares, when I don't want those to end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing

It's insane.

I know it.

It _is_ insane, well beyond that though, because I still have nightmares, and as always I want to stop, but I can't.

There was something freeing about red-k; lower inhibitions, disregard for others and their safety, the complete conscious grasp on my powers that made me wonder, was that how drunk people felt? Next time I lose my powers, I'm getting high, just to learn how it feels. But even if it felt freeing, the way everything seemed to be on the opposite side of the spectrum is what enables me to not want the experience again. Once was enough, once meant there were questions after I took action, and even if it feels wonderful I refuse to become dangerous to others.

Wasn't that the principles of ethics, not harming others and respecting their liberties and boundaries?

It just felt wrong; I am one of the last kryptonians on Earth, and that brought responsibilities! Especially since I'm the last daughter of the House of El, which stands for Hope, for being Stronger Together and **that** _means_ , team work. Means taking others into account. And I completely disregarded such notions while under the red-k influence.

So no, never again, not by choice and I am  _definitely_ making a contingency plan, one that takes Cat Grant into account.

Because there's no way around it any more.

"Another nightmare?" Alex asks, and I realize I had groaned, making me whimper. "Kara, you have to let it go."

"I can't!" I protest, frowning and rubbing my face so hard, I could feel the friction against my eyebrows. "I'm worried."

"No one was harmed —"

"Alex, you just don't understand," I sigh, shaking my head. "Next time this happens, take Cat somewhere safe."

At least, she doesn't question me about it, but she sighs herself and leaves as I turn around to face the other way, but I can't go back to sleep. I can't go back, not because I almost killed Cat Grant by throwing her from the balcony of her office, but because of _why_ I did so.

The red substance changed me and my feelings, from wishing to protect to wishing to destroy, from loving to hating, which was why no one could make me see reason.

Except, Cat Grant.

I knew she would have that capability, because even in my state, what I felt for her changed so drastically to hate that I _feared_ her. I always thought James Olsen was the one my heart felt love for, but it didn't compare with the hatred that consumed me so fully at the thought of her, that I can no longer turn a blind eye at it.

I am in love with my boss — my very powerful, much older than me, female boss. And I had thrown her off the balcony and towards certain death; whether I caught her or the DEO or J'onn did, doesn't matter. **_I_** touched her with the intention of harming her, hurting her, and I want to punish myself for it.

I listen for signs that my sister heard my sob, and finally sigh in relief when all I hear are her deep breaths and heartbeat.

I feel like drowning in my sorrow, wallow in my self-deprecation, but I know nothing will ever be the same, and all I can do is thank Rao that she survived and that Carter still has his mother, because I'm sure that after returning to normal and finding out that Cat Grant died by my hand, I would search for a way to kill myself, be it green-k or immolation against a sun, I wouldn't care.

" _Cat_ ," I whisper, falling into another fitful dream, another nightmare, and I want it to haunt me forever, lest I repeat the same mistake. "I love you."


End file.
